


Pardon all my Precious Scars

by ughdotcom



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Don't copy to another site, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, First Dates, He's canonly pansexual though, I thought he was gay but pan people need more representation anyway, Klaus is whatever sexuality you want as long as it's not straight, M/M, No Incest, Recreational Drug Use, ace dave, lesbian Vanya, not sympathetic Luther, shitty date
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 11:17:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17980301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ughdotcom/pseuds/ughdotcom
Summary: They meet at a club. Dave stops Klaus from overdosing. And Klaus... Well, Klaus passes out on Dave. What is a reasonable answer? Ask him on a date.





	Pardon all my Precious Scars

Klaus is a junkie, and his brother Five is about to kill him. “Klaus?”

Klaus took another drag from his blunt. “Yeah?”

Five banged his hand on the closed door. “Please tell me you don’t have another electronic in the bath.”

“I don’t have another electronic in the bath,” Klaus parroted obediently.

“That could kill you!” Five banged on the door again. “MotherFUCKER!”

“You’re in love with a mannequin and you want to lecture me on life!”

“Dolores is not a mannequin!”

“You sure about that?” Klaus wrapped a towel around his waist and stuck his head out the door.

“Ok, fine she’s a mannequin. But she’s better than you!” Five stormed off, and Klaus rolled his eyes before getting dressed.

“No.” Klaus jumped in fear before his eyes landed on his brother leaning on his door frame.

“Holy Shit, Ben, you scared me.”

Ben shook his head, “No, you’re not going to that club.”

Klaus frowns. “You can’t stop me.”

“No, but Luther can.”

“Shit shit Ben don’t tell him please.” Klaus grabbed onto Ben’s hoodie. “No, no I won’t go dude, just don’t tell Luther! He’ll get mad and hurt me! Or Allison will force me to do a bunch of chores, dude, I swear I won’t go!”

“Swear?”

“Swear.”

Ben smiled, “Great. You want to see a movie?”

“Why don’t you go rent one?” Ben left to get a movie and Klaus climbed out the fire escape.

\---------

“Dude, no.” a hand snatched away the pill Klaus was about to pop.

“Shit, Ben.”

“No, I have no clue who you are, but you look like you’re about to overdose and die.”

“So?” Klaus laughed. “Free of life’s cruel embrace! Isn’t that better?” He giggled and twirled into the man’s arms. “Give me my pill back.”

The man frowned, “No. I’m Dave, by the way.”

“Klaus. Pills please!”

“How about no.”

“Fine.” He held up two fingers to the barman. “Two shots please!” He grabbed them and shoved one towards Dave and downed his. “You know what? Endless shots!” He grabbed another and downed it. “You too.” He pushed another toward Dave, who figured he could handle it. “So, what do you do?”

“Ex soldier. You?”

“I still live in my parents’ house.”

“You’re like 25. How do your parents feel?”

“Siblings. And mom.” Klaus took another shot.

“Where do you live?”

“Umbrella Academy.”

“You one of those kids? The ones raised away from the public eye?”

“Yeah.” and Klaus promptly fainted into Dave’s arms.

“Shit!” Dave dropped a 50 onto the bar for the endless shots and picked Klaus up. He carried him all the way to the mansion where he knocked on the door.

“What did Klaus do!” the asian at the door demanded when he saw Klaus in Dave’s arms.

“Got high and drunk. He your brother?”

“Yeah. I’m Ben. Come on in.” Dave followed Ben up the stairs and into the rooms. “Here’s his room.” Dave set Klaus down on his bed. “If you need a place to stay the night, Vanya’s out of town with her girlfriend.”

“No, I don’t even know him. I just stopped him from taking a pill, did a few shots with him, and caught him when he passed out.”

A hand thumped his back and a new voice spoke. “If he paid for more than one, he thinks you’re cute.”

“Holy shit where did you come from!” he turned to look the the latino boy, who pointed at the window in the ceiling. “Really?”

Ben shook his head. “Diego, what have I said about using doors?”

“It’s more efficient for entering the house than assorted windows.” Diego groaned. “So. How many did he pay for?”

“None.”

“Really?”

“He passed out beforehand.” Diego had to stifle a laugh.

“Yeah, but how many?”

“I drank 3, but he ordered endless.”

“Shit!” Diego said approvingly.

“And I paid.”

“Shit.” Diego said.

“He passed out before.”

“Okay.” Diego stalked off.

“Want the room?”

“No, but can I come tomorrow to check on him?”

“Yeah.” Dave left the strange house.

\----------

Klaus woke to his brother’s disapproving face. “Ah, Ben.” He sighed, getting up with a groan. “Sorry for ditching you.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t die,”

“So am I.”

“Do you remember anything?”

“Ummmmmm,” Klaus twirled a finger in the air for a seconds, “Dave! Dave, that’s it! Was there someone named Dave?”

“Yeah, he brought you home. After you passed out.”

“Please tell me I didn’t pass out before I could pay for his drink.” Klaus begged.

“You didn’t pass out before you could pay for his drink.” Five said with a smile from the doorway.

“Fuck.” Klaus simply said.

“You didn’t even complain about me parroting you? Fuck! I needed payback!” Five left the room swearing fluently. “Luther, do we have any coffee! Black!”

“No!”

“Who do I have to kill to get a decent cup of coffee around here?” Five’s words were drowned out by a loud knock on the door.

“Get dressed.” Ben picked a shirt up off the floor and threw it at Klaus, who rolled his eyes and sniffed it before grabbing a black skirt and pink tank top. Ben left with a sigh.

Diego opened the door. “Hello. I was just going out.” And he snuck around Dave.

“What…?” Dave said, seeing the knives, but Diego was already out of sight. “Ok, you know what… Hello?! Anyone here?!”

A boy walked up to the door. He looked a bit younger than the others. “Who are you?”

“My name’s Dave. You?”

“I’m Five.” Five stuck out a hand for Dave to shake.

“Five?” Dave shook his hand.

“Yes. Klaus is upstairs. His room is the one with the messed up door.”

“Thanks.” Dave climbed the stairs into the rooms, stopping at the messed up door like Five said and knocking.

“I’ll be out in a second!” Klaus yelled from inside. The door slammed open in said second. “What do you want, Ben?”

“Not Ben.” Dave said.

Klaus clicked his tongue. “You. I remember you. Dave, right? Yeah, Dave. I have the money for the shots, if that’s what you want.” He grabbed a coat from the floor and started rummaging inside. “Money, money, there’s some in here, or was it the other coat.” He muttered.

“No, I was actually here to see if you were okay.”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Nice skirt.”

“It’s my sister’s.”

“Want to get dinner?”

“Sure.” and Klaus pecked Dave on the cheek, before slamming the door in his face.

\--------

“That was rude.”

“Christ on a cracker!” Klaus screamed, focusing his eyes on Ben, who was sitting on the wardrobe. “How did you get in here?!”

“Diego way.”

“The window?” Ben nodded. “Plus, how is that rude? I kissed him on the cheek.”

“You slammed the door in his face.”

“Yadda yadda yadda. What do I wear to dinner?”

“Nice clothes.”

“This?” Klaus held up a frilly flower print shirt with red trim.

Ben looked horrified. “No.”

“It’s my best outfit.”

“We are raiding Dad’s closet.”

“I haven’t been in a closet since I was twelve.”

“Klaus Hargreeves I swear to god!” Ben dragged Klaus to their dad’s old room. “Five, I’m going to need your help!”

“Coming!” Five joined them. “That suit.” He pointed at a black suit.

Klaus sighed, “Fine.” He grabbed the suit. “You know the date is in 5 hours, right?” He stormed off.

“Get high and I will end you!” Ben and Five chorused.

“Yeah yeah.” Klaus went up to his room.

\-------

Klaus was wearing a skirt. He was wearing the suit top, but he was wearing a skirt. Both Five and Ben were embarrassed, but Dave thought that Klaus was beautiful. “You look nice.”

“Thank you. You do too.” Dave was less formal, but then again, none of them knew Klaus was wearing a tank top underneath the suit jacket. “Shall we go?” Klaus smirked.

“I’m supposed to say that!”

“Whatever.” Klaus waved goodbye to his brothers, and by waved I mean flipped them off and joined Dave.

The minute they got outside he took the suit top off. “Holy shit I hated that thing.”

Dave giggled. “I think you look better without it anyway.”

“Why thank you.” Klaus bowed mocking. “So do I.” Dave laughed and extended his arm for Klaus to take, which Klaus did take. “Where are we going?”

“I have no clue.”

“Griddy’s donuts?”

“Sounds fine.”

They walked there with casual discussion. “Dogs or cats?”

“Dogs.”

“Same.”

“Yay!” Klaus jokingly said. “If you could control any element, what would it be?”

“Fire. You?”

“Water. I feel in my element when I’m in it.” Klaus detached from Dave and spun. “Wait! See what I did there? In my my element?” He reattached to Dave’s arm.

“You’re high, aren’t you?”

“When am I not?”

Dave shook his head, “You need to work on that.”

“Yeah, but it keeps the ghosts away.”

“Ghosts?”

Klaus laughed, “Of my past. My father.” He fixed Dave with a cold stare, “‘Number four. Have you overcome your fears yet?’”

“Did he really call you by numbers?”

“Yep.” Klaus said it like it was no big deal. “It gave Luther problems though. ‘I’m number one. Dad loved me best. He must have loved you too. I’m in charge.’” Klaus rolled his eyes. “Fuck Luther.”

“What were you scared of?”

“Don’t laugh.”

“I won’t.”

“The dark. I swore I could hear ghosts screaming at me. I could see them too. The drugs took that away.”

“Wow.” Dave snuck his arm around Klaus’ shoulders and pulled him close. “That must of sucked.”

“What were you scared of?” Klaus rested his head on Dave’s shoulder, which was probably uncomfortable, but felt romantic, so it was probably right. And his hand… around Dave’s waist. It all felt weird. Klaus had never tried to be romantic before. Sexual, yes, but romantic, no way.

“German shepards. Weird for an ex soldier, but one bit me as a kid. Her name was Greta.”

“Always hated that name.” Klaus laughed. “Why don’t you fight anymore?”

“I didn’t even go to war. I lost a leg.” Dave raised up his pant leg to show off metal. “We almost there?”

“Right ahead.” They entered the shop and… “Oh, shit.”

“Klaus.” Five spun around in his seat.

“Five. Ben. Vanya. Wait, Vanya? You’re back?”

“Yea. Who’s the new new guy?” She smirked.

“You know what? Change of plans.” Klaus pulled Dave out of the shop as ben wolf-whistled after them. Both Dave and Klaus flipped them off. “You ever gone out for pizza at Claire’s pizza?”

“No.”

“Well in all hopes, Allison won’t be there.” Klaus, just now realized he was holding Dave’s hand. He kinda wanted back in those strong arms, but he just fell in step with Dave.

As soon as they walked in the shop a little girl ran up to them, “Uncle Klaus!”

“Claire Bear!” Klaus let go of Dave’s hand (sadly) and swung Claire around. “Is your momma here?”

“Yeah! Uncle Luther too.”

“Hey, Claire Bear cover your ears for a sec.” She did with a smile. “Shit! You can uncover them now sweetie. What about Uncle Diego?”

“In the corner with Auntie Eudora!”

“Great! Come along, Dave.”

“Why do we go from restaurant to restaurant?”

“Because for some reason my family is everywhere. Do you just want to go to a fast food place?”

“Sure.” Dave pulled Klaus into a hug. “Whatever you want.”

Klaus didn’t think he could blush, but his face was flaming as they pulled away and Dave wrapped his arm around him. “Great. McDonald’s?”

“Sounds great.” Klaus got even redder. “Afterwards you want to go to my place?” Klaus made a choking noise. “No, not like that!” Dave said frantically. “For like drinks and stuff.”

Klaus smiled. “Yep.” As they reached the McDonald’s Klaus threw his free hand in the air. “How the fuck?!”

“Are you out of siblings yet? Seriously, how many do you have?”

“WHY THE FUCK IS MOM HERE?! Can we just go to your place?” Klaus buried his face in Dave’s shoulder.

“Sure.” Dave hugged Klaus, and it didn’t seem like either one wanted to move, until Dave picked up Klaus. “You weigh nothing. Do you eat?”

“Christ on a cracker! Put me down!”

“Do really want me to?”

Klaus was sure his face wasn’t even a face anymore. It was just a radish with vaguely human features. “No.”

Dave laughed as Klaus buried his face in Dave’s shirt. “You blush a lot.”

“No shit, Sherlock.”

“Fuck you, Watson.” Klaus laughed as Dave carried to his apartment, which coincidentally was 221B Baker street.

As soon as they got there Dave set Klaus down on the couch. Klaus will forever deny he let out a little whine at being out of Dave’s arms. “Dave, can I smoke in here?”

“No. No, you have to get clean.”

Klaus humphed. “Can I at least have a drink?”

“Beer or wine?”

“Do you have vodka?”

“Straight?”

“No I was going to mix it with kool-aid.”

“I can’t tell if that was sarcastic or not.”

“It’s not if you have kool-aid.”

“If I say I do will you laugh?”

“I literally want to mix kool-aid with vodka, I curled up in your arms like a kitten, I suggested McDonalds for a date, and I’m wearing a skirt. Do I look like I care?”

“I do. For my nephew.”

“Cool. What’s his name?”

“Callum. He only eats sugar, it’s alarming.”

Klaus laughed. “Great. Vodka and kool-aid it is.” Klaus got up to pour the vodka as dave got the kool-aid from a high shelf. “Wow that shelf’s higher than me. Currently”

Dave laughed. “Cal can’t get the sugar, that’s the gist of it. His sibling could probably reach.”

“What’s their name?” Klaus caught the kool-aid packets dave threw at him and poured them into the vodka, mixing it with a knife.

“Nico. Why are you mixing with a knife?”

“Because I can.”

“Is that your answer for everything?”

“Yep.” Klaus handed Dave his drink and sat on the couch, Dave joining him.

“Why do you have hello and goodbye tattooed on your hands?”

“I wanted to be the human ouija board. Ben stopped me before I could get the alphabet across my chest and numbers up my arms.”

Dave laughed. “That’s cool.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want a second date?”

“Yes.”

“I’d offer for you to spend the night not like that, but Afton and Callum are coming tomorrow. Also, I think you should know I’m ace.”

“I am the hook-up in a bar kinda guy, but I’m fine with that. Can I kiss you?”

“Like now, or at all?”

“Both.”

“Well, yes to both.”

Klaus kissed Dave on the lips. “I have to go and my phone’s ringing.” he put it on speaker and picked up.

“KLAUS HARGREEVES!”

“Allison! Hi!”

“HOW DARE YOU SWEAR IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTER!”

“I asked her to cover her ears!”

“YOU KNOW THAT DOESN’T WORK YOU BASTARD! WHERE ARE YOU!”

“Do you need to know? I’m just as old as you.”

“WHERE ARE YOU WE ALL WANT TO KNOW!”

“If you must know I’m at my date’s house.”

“Another hookup?” Her voice quieted but sounded exasperated.

“No.” He quickly mouthed at Dave ‘Do you want to be my boyfriend?’ Dave nodded. “He’s actually my boyfriend.”

“You’ve known him one day.”

“Two, if you count last night night when I was fucked up”

“I do not. Be back here by 11.”

Klaus rolled his eyes. “That’s in 20 minutes.”

“Long enough for you to walk back here from anywhere in the city. Five did the math. Quickly.” Allison hung up.

“Can you give me a ride?”

“Sure.” They got in Dave’s car (“You should have picked me up in the car.” “My sister stole it temporarily.” “That’s borrowing.” “You would think so.”) and drove to the umbrella academy. Dave walked Klaus to the door like a gentleman should.

“Bye Dave.” Klaus gave a shy smile.

“Bye, Klaus.” Dave kissed Klaus gently before returning to his car, waving bye to Klaus before driving off.

Klaus opened the door ready to be bombarded by questions by his siblings.

¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Epilogue (that movie credits scene thing that’s supposed to be humorous)

“This is Nico.” Dave indicated the teen girl. She gave a small wave. “Nico, this is Klaus.”

“I know. You fangirl about him enough.” She indicated the headphones around her neck. “Can I go back to listening to music now?” Dave spluttered about the fangirl comment.

“What are you listening to?” Klaus asked.

“Do you need a list of the bands? Or the song I paused?”

“Both. I’ve got all day.”

Nico sat on the couch crossing her legs and sprawling over the arm. “Panic! At the Disco, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Set It Off, Billie Eilish, Halsey, Gerard Way, assorted songs that I don’t like the artist in general but I like the song, Newsies soundtrack, Hamilton Soundtrack.”

“And the song?”

“Stitch Me Up by Set It Off.” She lifted the headphones up and unpaused it, singing softly. “Stitch me up, stitch me up, don't tear me apart. I've been stuck in the rut, patched up in the dark. Stitch me up, stitch me up, there's pins in my heart, oh. Pardon all my precious scars.”

Dave sat down and hugged Klaus, who murmured in his ear “pardon all my precious scars.”

“I already did, babe. I already did. Except the drugs thing. But you got clean, and I would love you anyway. I love you, Klaus. And I already pardoned all of your scars.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Set It Off's Stitch me Up.
> 
> Assorted thoughts I had while writing this:
> 
> Smart move Dave. There are junkies that would kill you for taking their pill.
> 
> Introduce yourself! Wow Dave you're so smart.
> 
> Wow Ben is so OOC
> 
> WTF even is Dave in this?
> 
> Wow they're so OOC
> 
> Klaus has a blushing problem
> 
> I shouldn't be basing Dave's fear of german shepherds off mine. You know what, fuck it even the dog that bit him has the same name as the one that bit me
> 
> Are radishes called that because they are redish?
> 
> All the Hargreeves siblings are a blessing. Except Luther. Fuck Luther.
> 
> Wait could that be read as Allison x Luther? Shit maybe. Incest isn't cool, kids.
> 
> Sherlock reference! That's seriously a problem. I should just think up an apartment number.
> 
> You either spell it like kool-aid or kool-ade and I have no idea
> 
> That's a lot of drugs in one fic: pills, weed, caffeine, alcohol... jesus christ will I get in trouble for writing this on a school computer
> 
> Wow writing fic is hard I've seen one-shots way longer than this and this is 10 pages and going to get longer. I've given up on stories shorter than that.
> 
> HUMAN OUIJA BOARD that's literally Klaus. Found that on a fic. wasteland, baby by ohmygodwhy
> 
> Well I'm not proofreading that
> 
> final page count: 12 god that shouldn't have been so hard
> 
> \---------
> 
> Please comment. Also give constructive criticism please.


End file.
